Nachricht Nummer : 580
Übertragungszeit : 4 min 3 sec
Nachricht von    : WAM@ZAMIR-ZG.ztn.zer.de (Wam)
Antworten an     : wam@zamir-zg.ztn.zer.de
Betrifft         : Zagreb Diary 23 February 1995
Kopienempfänger  : /REG/NEWS/DIARY/WAM, /SOC/CULTURE/YUGOSLAVIA, /SOC/CULTURE/CROATIA, /SOC/CULTURE/BOSNA-HERZGVNA, /CL/EUROPA/BALKAN, /APC/YUGO/ANTIWAR
Erstellungsdatum : 23.02.1995 00:43:00 W+1

\Zagreb Diary 23 Februari 1995 (issue 629)

Dobar dan,

The first story today is something from which I think that it will take
some time before I let Pjort and Rik really read it, Tyche with her 13
years is also a little bit too young, but..... modern west. Strange by
the way that sex stories has age limits, but films and stories about
violence, even that what you see daily in your news haven't, what is in
principle more dangerous for the child mind. My kids never saw Batman,
still they know how the freak looks like and the music, they were very
angry on me when I translated it in Batman, suddenly their hero wasn't
such a hero anymore.

A few days ago I was talking with an ex soldeer, or should I say an ex
defender, since he wasn't a real soldier. It was such a person who
didn't had any nationalistic reasons to join the army, he for sure was
and is everything which HDZ is against. Everybody in his direct
neighbourhood was disagree that he would stay when the war started in
Croatia, but he waited, not really sure what to do if the invitation for
the army would come. He went fighting to defend his country, or rather
to defend the home place of his family.

Although he has been in the first lines for a couple of months the real
heavy war was already over when he joint the troops. More than holding
the lines and sheltering between the walls of destroyed houses for
enemy Christmas fire (on the holy evening it is a habit to shot in the
air, only the last yearrs the air is rather low). Somewhere in the East
of Slavonia he had to defend some holidays houses together with his
fellow defenders.

After a few days he really was into having a peacefull shit, the house
he was in was anyway already full with stinking material and the sweat
of being afraid made the situation not much better. So he went back a
bit on the line and found on empty house about 500 meters further down
the frontline, when he looked through the window he saw a big pile of
"Erotika"'s, a magazine of the culture of erotica and sex, as it call in
communist times, or better the only sex magazin which was allowed on the
market, the last years it got some compatition.

After being on the frontline for a couple of weeks, being together with
only boys the sudden photo's of naked women really set him off. He went
in and took a few. At that moment in the story I interupted, I know that
trick and was already warned a few times that when ever I saw something
like that not to come near, the pile could be boby-trapped, since what
is the best trap to catch soldeers from the other side. A bit like this
full colour, toys-a-like bombs they have thrown out of helicopters above
playing grounds. No, he said this area was ours, chetniks never had come
there, it was safe. And your own army, I reacted, no he answer, no
chance, things like that weren't happening yet or at least not in our
place.

With the magezins in his hand he started to masturbate, that moment a
grenade just exploded about 100 meters away from him, and another one
and another one. His erotic party seems to be ending but he decided to
continue, what would be better than one flashing orgasm. The fact that
he told me the story some days ago means that he had his orgasm, but the
grenades never exploded close enough the combine the two, the lucky one.
After he finished he ran zig-zag back to his own place. One of the only
stories I heard from him when I asked him what he would do if a new war
would start. The anser on the qeustion if he would join the war again if
somebody would organise it (suppose they give a war, and nobody came),
he only reacted with a shaking his head. Although when they will come
close to his hometown he wasn't so sure.

Sure, about what can you be sure. The last days, I had some personal
problem, people told me never ever be sure. Never ever trust anybody
than you self and even don't trust yourself, you never know what you do
and how you will react on something. Survival. But also looking for
companianship in this sea of madness.

I know that I come from another culture. I know that I have seen my
friend dying from AIDS, I lost a least 7 of people very close to me, and
one of my adopted brothers is HIV positive already for some years. So
what do you want. Okay when you think pure like feelings without seeing
anybody dying of AIDS it is often what the hack it would happen to me.
And what is a better way if you have to die, by love or by the bullet or
a grenade.

I checked it out, I don't have the disease, I wonder where it could come
from any way, even after seen the horrible parts of the war and the
people exploding straight in front of me, and sure that is an emotional
problem, and sure I am not able to take it in and life with normal, as
nobody ever will. But if you are afraid of a minefield and still like to
cross it anyway (not knowing if there are mines and where they lay)
people will declare you crasy. But isn't it the same with all those
people who are just trying to find companionship, just somebody close in
the moment of darkness and go to bed since that is or rather seems to be
the only way we are able to show affection (without condom).

Say I am paranoid, say I see ghosts, rather that than anything else. Yes
my dear diary I am afraid, not like in the first days of the war, when
the first hospitals didn't had the possibilities to clean their stuff
and blood for the fighters and wounded was given without any control,
but afraid for the way some people handling the other thing, called
making love. On top of it the culture "problem", I won't go under the
shower with my socks on. If I make love I want to feel it, no condom on
my body.

Riscs in war get always under estimated, not in this thing, but in a lot
of other cases as well. Why should I be afraid of asbestos, it has been
used in the West for so many years and most people are still alive. You
what is dangerous, going to get your drinking water or your food when
the grenade are coming in. I survived that so why should I be afraid of
this harmless piece of building material.

Today I was agian surprised, or rather surprised is not the right
words, not happy confronted with some thing I know but I some times
forget. Although I know, I myself haven't got if I am luckly more than
400 Dem per mounth, I raise my money by gifts, but I am not always
realising how much people even here in Zagreb has even less. A few
months ago with some internationals we calculated that a human existance
in zagreb cost at least 700 till 800 Dem per month, so the tens of
thousands who has less (and the average income is now alomst 450-500 Dem
per month) have slowly a worst and worst time to survive. I was at a
family today which even don't have the 50 Dem to send their kids to the
kindergarden, or go to the docter with him when he is sick, since they
are officially unemployed and without any security.

So many people like that, they told me, I would be able to help them
all, but......

Rik, Pjort and Tyche, please kids let's hope it never come to that point
in your "home country".

Mir,

                        Wam :-)
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